So Happy New Year y’all!
So several people I know, friends, family etc. have started writing these blog things. And since , for anyone that knows me, I am terrible with words and even worse when I am emotional, I thought I’d give this a try!
I was recently told (by a person that doesn’t know me) that they hoped 2018 was even better than 2017. I wanted to scream, “ YOU HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE!” The past few days I’ve really been thinking about the past year. Through a lot of prayer and soul searching, I am at peace with the events that occurred. I know all of y’all are probably thinking I’ve lost my mind, I mean I am a bereaved mother who lost her baby boy this year... how on earth could I be at peace?? To be completely honest, I never thought I would be either. Now this doesn’t mean that I don’t miss my precious boy, or wish that he was still here and never had sickness or cry. Because I do, so heartbreakingly bad!! This just means I chose not to be angry anymore. This tasks in itself is so difficult, especially when you have felt your heart break into a million pieces. After we lost Kye, I was so mad at God, at other pregnant moms with healthy babies, at mothers who don’t give two flying flips about their children. I was mad at the world. ALL . THE . TIME! It wasn’t just the desire to have a child like I have felt so many times on my journey with infertility, but my son who was growing like a weed, kicking and flipping in my belly just died.! I questioned God every step of the way. Now I was raised in church, and I have a strong faith and relationship with God. But through all this I was definitely tested! Right around the time I found out about Kye’s encephalocele, I heard the song, Broken Halos by Chris Stapleton. “Don’t go looking for the reasons, don’t go asking Jesus why. We’re not meant to know the answers, they belong to the by and by.” This is the verse that brought me to my knees in my back yard after I had spent the whole day asking God why he had to take MY son and gave all these drug addicted mothers 5 & 6 babies that would never feel love like me and my husband would have given our baby boy! Isn’t it amazing how God speaks to us sometimes! It was my not so subtle reminder that he knows what he’s doing.
Justin and I went to church on New Year’s Eve, and our preacher spoke about finding our one passion in life, putting all we have into it, and to do all these things in Jesus’name. Kye touched so many lives in his short time here.There is no footprint too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world. He taught so many of us that tomorrow is never guarenteed, and even some of the smallest warriors have the biggest fight in them. He taught me about unconditional love, but he also taught me about my own strength. Funny how a little 1 lb 1.2 oz baby can show the world about strength. We’ve all got a platform in life, it’s up to us to decide what we want to do with it!
2017 was the best and worst year of my life, I am choosing to focus on the positives: I married my best friend,carried my beautiful child, got to hold my baby boy , and gained the most precious guardian angel. We plan to find our passion this year, will y’all find yours?
So several people I know, friends, family etc. have started writing these blog things. And since , for anyone that knows me, I am terrible with words and even worse when I am emotional, I thought I’d give this a try!
I was recently told (by a person that doesn’t know me) that they hoped 2018 was even better than 2017. I wanted to scream, “ YOU HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE!” The past few days I’ve really been thinking about the past year. Through a lot of prayer and soul searching, I am at peace with the events that occurred. I know all of y’all are probably thinking I’ve lost my mind, I mean I am a bereaved mother who lost her baby boy this year... how on earth could I be at peace?? To be completely honest, I never thought I would be either. Now this doesn’t mean that I don’t miss my precious boy, or wish that he was still here and never had sickness or cry. Because I do, so heartbreakingly bad!! This just means I chose not to be angry anymore. This tasks in itself is so difficult, especially when you have felt your heart break into a million pieces. After we lost Kye, I was so mad at God, at other pregnant moms with healthy babies, at mothers who don’t give two flying flips about their children. I was mad at the world. ALL . THE . TIME! It wasn’t just the desire to have a child like I have felt so many times on my journey with infertility, but my son who was growing like a weed, kicking and flipping in my belly just died.! I questioned God every step of the way. Now I was raised in church, and I have a strong faith and relationship with God. But through all this I was definitely tested! Right around the time I found out about Kye’s encephalocele, I heard the song, Broken Halos by Chris Stapleton. “Don’t go looking for the reasons, don’t go asking Jesus why. We’re not meant to know the answers, they belong to the by and by.” This is the verse that brought me to my knees in my back yard after I had spent the whole day asking God why he had to take MY son and gave all these drug addicted mothers 5 & 6 babies that would never feel love like me and my husband would have given our baby boy! Isn’t it amazing how God speaks to us sometimes! It was my not so subtle reminder that he knows what he’s doing.
Justin and I went to church on New Year’s Eve, and our preacher spoke about finding our one passion in life, putting all we have into it, and to do all these things in Jesus’name. Kye touched so many lives in his short time here.There is no footprint too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world. He taught so many of us that tomorrow is never guarenteed, and even some of the smallest warriors have the biggest fight in them. He taught me about unconditional love, but he also taught me about my own strength. Funny how a little 1 lb 1.2 oz baby can show the world about strength. We’ve all got a platform in life, it’s up to us to decide what we want to do with it!
2017 was the best and worst year of my life, I am choosing to focus on the positives: I married my best friend,carried my beautiful child, got to hold my baby boy , and gained the most precious guardian angel. We plan to find our passion this year, will y’all find yours?
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